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    • Spring’s Sweet Arrival

      Posted at 4:00 am by Dani, on February 6, 2016

      A gaggle of geese return to our street each winter
      while migrating from one place to another.
      They arrive in January, around my husband’s birthday,

      and I am surprised to find them behind our house,
      honking like cab drivers in traffic. Most leave with
      babies but one pair can’t manage to have any;

      I’ve watched them sit for years on a wet nest of death,
      warming unhappiness. It is only when the other
      geese swim past them, proudly displaying

      a line of live chicks, that they realize they have
      failed again, their eggs silent beneath the love
      of their feathers. My neighbors and I don’t agree

      on much but we all watch these geese from our
      windows, with binoculars sometimes, our breakfast
      growing cold on the table. We wish the unsuccessful

      ones would have a season of luck, their eggs healthy
      and well placed, for each of us has known the pleasure
      of spring, the way it feels for something closed

      to open: the soft, heavenly weather of arrival.

      “Geese” by Faith Shearin from Moving the Piano.

      birds-nest-768809_1280

      For nearly eight years, my husband and I have been the “unsuccessful ones”, our “silent eggs” s.t.i.l.l. beneath the weighty love of expectant feathers. We have looked upon the happiness of countless friends and loved ones. We have cried tears of joy with them. And have tried to see ourselves not as passed over or less fortunate, but as richly blessed…in ways meant only for us. Parts of our journey were heartrending, others life giving, but all have contributed to our present moment: five weeks away from parenthood and a complete and utter shift in life as we know it.

      ocean-984524_1920

      During this sacred time, an inward turn was necessary. Instead of sharing the threads of my heart in this space, I’ve shared them, both written and spoken, with my child. I have pondered who I am becoming and how that person seems both foreign and familiar. I have imagined our new normal. I have hoped. Prayed. And I have embraced a running current of gratitude for that which we don’t yet have.

      baby-741694_1280

      As part of the loss community, the elusive happy ending is never far from one’s thoughts, but my mantra over these past eight months has been:

      Be. Present.

      I haven’t wanted to get ahead of myself.

      I couldn’t.

      I didn’t.

      So I’ve stayed.

      Here.

      P.r.e.s.e.n.t.

      grass-691266_1280

      In my absence, many of you have reached out in love, concern, and friendship. Please know how deeply your sentiments are felt and how grateful I am for your affection and connection.

      As any new parent, I’m unsure what the coming weeks and months will bring (and equally unsure what this space will become–bear with me on that, please). I simply (or not so simply) hope to be both the mother I’ve envisioned and the mother baby M so richly deserves.

      _DSC1422

      Untitled-1(1)

      Posted in Family, Uncategorized | 56 Comments | Tagged dreams, gratitude, pregnancy after loss
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    • This is the stuff of marrow

    • amen.

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      © Dani De Luca and bloomingspiders, 2013-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to bloomingspiders, with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Photographs are the property of bloomingspiders, unless otherwise noted.

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      The image used at the top of this page was taken from: http://egzothica.deviantart.com/art/Tiny-spiders-and-roses-173435946

      With thanks and credit given to the photographer, Egzothica, who captured the essence of this space.

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