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    • 42 Million Heartbeats

      Posted at 7:00 am by Dani, on July 9, 2017

      You died on a Saturday. I remember thinking it was too beautiful a day for death; too beautiful for your slip from pink, to gray, to gold. But now I know Death comes, regardless of swaths of stars. Regardless of being held by the sun and kissed open by the wind. Death comes. Plucking each petal from its bloom in a garden I didn’t plant.

      Death comes.

      I’d talked to you the day before yours came. I’d said hard things, things I’d packed and unpacked in the suitcase of my soul, things that seemed boxy and awkward falling from my lips as my 4-month old screamed, strapped to my chest.

      I was angry.

      So angry.

      In those moments, I was the person I had always been told to be: the one who was firm, who didn’t back down, who stated facts with precision. And I thought it’d feel good. That there’d be a cleansing.

      But there wasn’t.

      And I didn’t.

      I thought of calling back that night. I thought of telling you one more time that I loved you, that I just wanted to keep you longer. But I only thought it. I didn’t do it. And after I woke the next morning, I was told you didn’t do the same.

      IMG_0550

      The moments, hours, and days that followed were a blur. And if I’m being truthful, many still are. Because the hole in my heart is your size and shape, Dad. And while you wouldn’t want that; it’s there. And always will be.

      IMG_0548

      365 days and roughly 42 million heartbeats have passed painfully since your last breaths left me breathless…unmoored…

      Lost.

      So today…

      I will turn my face toward the sky, where your name is written in puffs of white and sunlight,

      where your heart beats Forever,

      and

      I will try

      to be

      Found.

      IMG_0551

       

       

       

      Posted in Death, Healing, humanity, Personal, Uncategorized | 41 Comments | Tagged Death, Faith, Family, fatherhood, Life
    • To Grieving Fathers on Father’s Day

      Posted at 6:02 pm by Dani, on June 19, 2015

      Whether you began here

      wedding-529606_1280

      or here,

      tool-317111_1280

      your goal was this

      pregnant-493699_1280

      and eventually this.

      baby-560890_1280

      But something went terribly wrong.

      blood_pm

      So you’ve spent more time here

      young-people-412041_1280

      and here

      cross-106416_1280_1

      than you planned.

      When they call to ask about her,

      you tell them.

      sad-505857_1280

      When they neglect to ask about you,

      you think, It’s okay. I’m okay.

      crossed-fingers-363478_1280

      And when they say things like:

      “God has a plan”

      “Time heals all wounds”

      “Everything happens for a reason”

      you remember they say it for themselves.

      Because…

      there. are. no. words.

      fire-175966_1280

      You try to give her this

      night-sky-569319_1280

      and this,

      sun-in-the-hand-615285_1280

      but nothing helps.

      girl-690327_1280

      And you find yourself here

      iceland-8383_1280

      caught between these.

      directory-466935_1280

      You remember life before,

      when this word was everywhere

      shoe-laces-349254_1280

      instead of this one.

      hate-634669_1280

      And the two of you looked like this

      birdie-431633_1280

      instead of this.

      wild-geese-716289_1280

      Wherever you are on your journey…

      whether you’ve chosen this

      intense-colors-357950_1280

      or this,

      end-point-524190_1280

      I hope you’ve found a way to honor your babies

      balloon-767246_1280

      coffin-239096_1280

      butterfly release 2015_Ren hands_pm

      and each other.

      butterfly release 2015_RTS garden_pm

      heart-570962_1280

      *All images are public domain images, unless marked with a Blooming Spiders URL stamp*

      Posted in Father's Day, Loss | 71 Comments | Tagged fatherhood, grief, life lessons, Pregnancy Loss
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      © Dani De Luca and bloomingspiders, 2013-2021. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to bloomingspiders, with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Photographs are the property of bloomingspiders, unless otherwise noted.

    • bloomingspiders Image

      The image used at the top of this page was taken from: http://egzothica.deviantart.com/art/Tiny-spiders-and-roses-173435946

      With thanks and credit given to the photographer, Egzothica, who captured the essence of this space.

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