Spring’s Sweet Arrival

A gaggle of geese return to our street each winter
while migrating from one place to another.
They arrive in January, around my husband’s birthday,

and I am surprised to find them behind our house,
honking like cab drivers in traffic. Most leave with
babies but one pair can’t manage to have any;

I’ve watched them sit for years on a wet nest of death,
warming unhappiness. It is only when the other
geese swim past them, proudly displaying

a line of live chicks, that they realize they have
failed again, their eggs silent beneath the love
of their feathers. My neighbors and I don’t agree

on much but we all watch these geese from our
windows, with binoculars sometimes, our breakfast
growing cold on the table. We wish the unsuccessful

ones would have a season of luck, their eggs healthy
and well placed, for each of us has known the pleasure
of spring, the way it feels for something closed

to open: the soft, heavenly weather of arrival.

“Geese” by Faith Shearin from Moving the Piano.

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For nearly eight years, my husband and I have been the “unsuccessful ones”, our “silent eggs” s.t.i.l.l. beneath the weighty love of expectant feathers. We have looked upon the happiness of countless friends and loved ones. We have cried tears of joy with them. And have tried to see ourselves not as passed over or less fortunate, but as richly blessed…in ways meant only for us. Parts of our journey were heartrending, others life giving, but all have contributed to our present moment: five weeks away from parenthood and a complete and utter shift in life as we know it.

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During this sacred time, an inward turn was necessary. Instead of sharing the threads of my heart in this space, I’ve shared them, both written and spoken, with my child. I have pondered who I am becoming and how that person seems both foreign and familiar. I have imagined our new normal. I have hoped. Prayed. And I have embraced a running current of gratitude for that which we don’t yet have.

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As part of the loss community, the elusive happy ending is never far from one’s thoughts, but my mantra over these past eight months has been:

Be. Present.

I haven’t wanted to get ahead of myself.

I couldn’t.

I didn’t.

So I’ve stayed.

Here.

P.r.e.s.e.n.t.

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In my absence, many of you have reached out in love, concern, and friendship. Please know how deeply your sentiments are felt and how grateful I am for your affection and connection.

As any new parent, I’m unsure what the coming weeks and months will bring (and equally unsure what this space will become–bear with me on that, please). I simply (or not so simply) hope to be both the mother I’ve envisioned and the mother baby M so richly deserves.

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  One thought on “Spring’s Sweet Arrival

  1. February 6, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    Ever in my prayers, Dani, you, Renato and M!

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:33 am

      Thank you, Stephen. Thank you.

  2. February 6, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    So happy to see an update from you! Prayers and happy thoughts coming your way.

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:34 am

      Thank you!! So sweet of you!

  3. mkk11304
    February 6, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    Beautiful. T!

    Sent via the Samsung Galaxy S® 5 mini, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:34 am

      Thanks, Mom.

  4. February 6, 2016 at 7:52 pm

    OH love, how I have been praying for you ever so deeply…I still cry when I think of you and this miracle growing inside of you!! Be present. YES> Honor your heart and the one beating within… Embrace each and every moment of your story as it continues to reveal the beautiful gift of a new LIFE.

    Your world forever changed. I whisper praise and thanks for this journey you are on. I’m just SO incredibly happy for you!!

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:36 am

      This means SO much, Chris. And you’re right “…forever changed”.

      Missing you, dear one.

  5. February 6, 2016 at 7:54 pm

    OH love, how I have been praying for you ever so deeply…I still cry when I think of you and this miracle growing inside of you!! Be present. YES> Honor your heart and the one beating within… Embrace each and every moment of your story as it continues to reveal the beautiful gift of a new LIFE.

    Your world forever changed. I whisper praise and thanks for this journey you are on. I’m just SO incredibly happy for you!!

  6. Nancy Howe
    February 6, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    You are in my prayers every night Dani!

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:38 am

      Thank you, Nancy. Still have to come by and see you…hopefully soon.

      With heart.

  7. February 7, 2016 at 3:00 am

    Deeply moved – blessings on you, your husband and your soon-to-be-born child. Praying for you and wishing you – as my grandmother would have said – “a safe confinement”.

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:40 am

      Just love that, Catherine, and confinement it has been. Hoping to catch up on my reading soon and thanking you for you visit and kindness.

  8. February 7, 2016 at 4:37 am

    Dani, I’m so glad you’ve surfaced for a moment to give us a glimpse into your journey. I’ve thought of you so much. Your picture with your sweet-mother profile is by my monitor, and I pray for you frequently. I am so happy that you have been able to reject What-If as your companion all these months, and instead have embraced Love-Right-Now.

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:44 am

      Love-Right-Now…such a better option. Missing you dearly, Jane, and thanking you for your friendship and love.

  9. February 7, 2016 at 8:20 am

    I’ve read all of your posts for the past two years, and I feel that you’ve allowed me the honor of knowing you in your kindness and your vulnerability. I am so very, very happy to hear of your good news. What a blessed one Baby M is, to have such a true mother.

    -aniko

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:47 am

      What a beautiful comment, Aniko. Thank you for sharing this journey with me and for welcoming transparency and vulnerability. I am truly touched. Truly.

  10. February 7, 2016 at 9:47 am

    Such a beautiful capture of all that’s been happening. I think of you every day, and send my love to your nest. xoxoxoxo

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:48 am

      My nest receives it and misses you…always.

  11. Dnielle
    February 7, 2016 at 11:48 am

    The good things is coming and i so happy for!!!! Love you!!!!

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:48 am

      Love you, too!

  12. February 7, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Dani, I am happy beyond words. I totally understand this sacred time and your desire to be present. What an incredible journey you’re on! Much love to you, your husband and baby M. ❤

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:51 am

      Thank you for understanding, Karen, and for praying us through it. Missing your words, dear one.

      Missing you.

  13. Peggy pesut
    February 7, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    So very happy and excited for both of you. I will continue to keep positive thoughts going your way and am anxious to finally see this very loved little bundle of joy. Experience it all! Do it the way YOU want. Take every second to bond and love and be let happiness sink in. Time goes by very fast, you only have this special time for a minute before life is busy and back to everyday again. May Gods blessing be with all three of you!!
    Much love to you.
    Mom Peg

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:53 am

      Peggy, thank you for this:

      “Do it the way you want.”

      There’s lots of noise out there about the Right way(s), so that reminder is much appreciated.

      Sending love.

  14. February 8, 2016 at 1:50 am

    I am so grateful to the universe for answering your pleas. And equally confident that this season of your lives will be better than you could ever have dreamed possible. Wishing you the very best, always.

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:55 am

      It has been a Season of richness and gratitude; it has.

      Thank you for your kindness.

  15. Chrissie Williams
    February 8, 2016 at 8:21 am

    Dani: a fierce hug to you. xo

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:56 am

      And love to you, Chrissie.

  16. February 8, 2016 at 10:51 am

    I cannot tell you how happy this post makes me. Love and hugs to you. May you all be well. xo

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:57 am

      Love and hugs received, Lisa.

      Thank you!

  17. February 8, 2016 at 5:06 pm

    Beyond thrilled for you my friend. I am sending lots of love and warm thoughts for you and baby xox

    • June 14, 2016 at 4:58 am

      Thank you, Kris, for everything.

      Missing you, friend.

  18. February 8, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    All love to you, sweet friend. I’m so SO glad you’re finally here, on the brink of this moment of HUGE Becoming, and I’m certain that your love, your dedication, and your wonderful, so, SO ready mama-heart will meet every challenge and delight in every joy, treasuring the moments you’re given and navigating this long-wanted way with skill.

    Hope everything goes absolutely textbook smoothly 🙂

    • June 14, 2016 at 5:00 am

      Such Becoming, Lizzi. There are moments of isolation and sadness, but I am tethered here, heart and soul. And so in love.

      So. In. Love.

      Missing you.

      • June 14, 2016 at 3:35 pm

        I’m so, so glad for your Becoming, though, and how right it is for you 😀

  19. February 9, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    i had tears reading through this… both painful and joyful tears. but by far, joyful ones. and i have to say… you say “for that which we don’t yet have”. but the way i see it, you have everything now that you will have when that baby is born, and that makes me very happy.

    so honored to have been the one to capture the three of you here. what a joy to see it again… on YOUR blog! only a few posts back, this post would have been difficult to comprehend.

    • June 14, 2016 at 5:04 am

      That session somehow made this all quite real, Geirgia, and sharing such intimate space with you was truly a blessing.

      Thank you again.

  20. February 12, 2016 at 10:40 am

    Oh Dani, I am crying tears of joy for you. Your sweet spirit has been on my mind the past few months. I am so incredibly happy for you. You have been given such a gift, both in your little miracle and your writing. I pray for many blessings to you and your family this year and cannot wait to watch you grow together. Enjoy!! Much love to you….-Daphne

    • June 14, 2016 at 7:10 am

      Daphne, thank you so much for this. Absence from this space has been challenging, but I’m hoping to find a way to return soon.

      Thank you again for your kind words. I have missed you, too.

      • August 12, 2016 at 10:28 am

        Thinking of you…..Praying you are blessed…

  21. bethanne
    February 26, 2016 at 5:45 pm

    How exciting to see a new post from you, and the happiest of posts, no less. Big hugs for you and your growing family!

    • February 26, 2016 at 5:49 pm

      Oops! Dani, I made the above comment while signed into my professional account. But the sentiment spans my online identities, and I wanted to own it as Annie Jadin, the name you might recognize. 🙂

      • June 14, 2016 at 7:13 am

        Oh, Annie, thank you for telling me. It means so much to know it’s you.

    • June 14, 2016 at 7:11 am

      Thank you, Bethanne. So sweet of you to say.

  22. February 29, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    Oh, Dani! This brought me tears of joy to read this. I am so happy for you and your husband. Embrace and enjoy the season upon you. Sending you so much love. ❤

    • June 14, 2016 at 7:17 am

      Thank you so much, Courtney. It has been quite a whirlwind, but we are overwhelmed with joy at his safe arrival. We truly are.

  23. March 4, 2016 at 8:06 am

    I’ve thought of you many times throughout my own recent journey and I can hardly express how full my heart is at reading this story. Blessings to you and your family. Much love!

    • June 14, 2016 at 7:27 am

      Thank you, Kristin. We still can’t quite believe he’s here. I find myself staring at him and wondering how it all happened. Still wondering…truly. Still.

      Grace and peace to you in your journey, dear one.

  24. claudiaschmidt2013
    May 30, 2016 at 10:55 am

    Haven’t heard from you in a while, Dani and I was just wondering how you were doing? Thinking of you and hoping life is good. xo

    • June 14, 2016 at 7:29 am

      We doing okay, Claudia, just adjusting to life with a little one. I have missed visiting your space and hope to soon once we find our new normal and step into that with both feet.

      Thank you for your heart check.

      Thank you.

      • claudiaschmidt2013
        June 14, 2016 at 7:54 am

        Dani – So happy to hear all is well! Have been wondering how life is with the new baby. Get some sleep! Just remember – it flies by. The days are long (some days anyway) but the years will fly by. Take a lot of pictures! xoxoxo

  25. June 15, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    Congratulations!!!! I completely missed this update and I am thrilled for you!

  26. SS
    July 12, 2016 at 12:07 am

    What wonderful news Dani. Blessings to you and precious wee babe. Xx

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