The T Word: Transgender

You don’t get to decide the truth. Other people have their own experiences, just as valid. This is easy to forget. Your slice of life seems so large and unmistakable, like a mirage of wholeness from where you stand. But it is your job to know better and not confuse your small piece for the whole, even if you sometimes forget. Life is big—much bigger than just yours. This is the only note to self: other people are real. That’s all there is to learn. 

— Frank Chimero – The Only Note To Self

At an event earlier this month, I sat reading over the only flyer available: an advertisement for The New Three Tenors.  As I glanced over the neon page, I saw two sandled feet standing inches from where I sat.  I found the feet peculiar, noting that the toes weren’t bare but layered with seamed stockings, and followed them until they took a lengthy pause outside the men’s room.

The figure, dressed in a black ill-fitting suit, had broad shoulders and legs as thin as jump rope.  I looked further and saw a black purse, worn at the edges; brown hair, thin like gossamer; and glasses, square-rimmed and smart.

While I gathered my things, the figure crossed my path once again, this time walking around me to hold open the ladies’ room door.  I said “thank you” and saw her weathered hands, then heard her deep voice in reply.  As I walked through the door, I looked at her…cobbling together her frame, her hands, her voice and the way she looked away when I Saw her.  Suddenly, her long pause in front of the men’s room made sense:  she was transgender.

The National Center for Transgender Equality defines transgender as “a term for people whose gender identity, expression or behavior is different from those typically associated with their assigned sex at birth.”  In other words, being biologically male, but self-identifying as female and vice versa.

We have the tendency to catalog the people we see, often by gender followed by any number of sub-catalogs:  attractiveness, body type, level of friendliness, assumed personality type, etc. As those who identify as transgender may not fit our internal catalog system, we may be left feeling stymied and thus catalog them in the following way: Other.

Whenever I look at a person I remember that she or he is an iceberg.

Only one-tenth of an iceberg’s volume is above water; as with us, its true form and balance of content lie beneath its surface.  If all we see when we look at a person is the layer of skin stretched over muscle and bone, then we don’t really See.  Our True shape is only visible beneath our blue veil, but most don’t go to those depths.

Perhaps they don’t want to.

Perhaps they’re afraid to.

I recently went to those depths with a dear friend.  She is tried and true, remarkable and resilient.  She is what everyone hopes for in a confidant:  open-hearted, clear-minded and stalwart in soul.  She has been happily married for 33 years and through that union has been blessed with four living children.  She is a giver of kindness, a doer of good, and a lover of people.  She is also transgender.

Because of her desire to walk in her truth, she has lost friends, been ostracized, vilified, and more recently, fired from a job where she put in three plus decades of service.  All of this because they choose to see the skin stretched over muscle and bone, nothing more.

On October 17, a pastor and fellow blogger, John Pavlovitz, published a post titled “The Lost Christian Art of Giving a Damn”.  In it he wrote:

We’ve stopped seeing people, (especially those we disagree with or who disagree with us), with the kind of softness and compassion that should mark us as followers of Jesus; the deep empathy that comprises a clear calling upon our lives.

I would like to extend his words even further, past Christianity, to our master status: that of human beings.  It should not matter if someone is black or white, gay or straight, trans or gender conforming, Jew or Muslim.  People are people.  We all deserve to be Seen, where we are, as we are.

Often we are touched only by what touches us.  I am a prime example of this: I only understood the horrors of rape once I experienced them, I only understood the heartache of pregnancy loss once I had my first, and I only understood the injustices and discrimination the trans community faces once I befriended a transgender woman.

It is easy to let our hearts break for ourselves and for our own suffering.  But the true test of our humanity is letting our hearts break for others and letting our empathy and gifts make a difference in their lives.  It is not enough to be a friend in the dark.  You and I have been called to be friends, advocates and Seers in the light of day.

The next time you see someone transgender, look at them and truly See. Perhaps dare to smile or even say, “hello”.  They are not the bogeymen they’ve been made out to be.  They are not “its”, “abominations”, “freaks”, or “mistakes”.  And they are certainly not “Other”.

They are human beings. So here’s some heartfelt advice:

Treat them as such.

P.S.  To the woman I crossed paths with in the ladies’ room:  I find you brave.  I find you lovely.  And I See you.

Additional information can be found at:

  One thought on “The T Word: Transgender

  1. October 25, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Just beautiful, Dani. I’ve been thinking about her all week and almost reached out to you because I was worried.
    Thank you for saying all of things that are in my heart, too. xo
    And, dear C, if you read this, remember what I said about sticking around. I ain’t going anywhere 😉

    • October 28, 2014 at 6:50 am

      Michelle, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I would have welcomed being contacted and I’m sure, if you haven’t already, she would as well.

      Blessings, friend,

      • October 28, 2014 at 6:56 am

        Thanks, Dani!
        I just sent her a little note. xo

        • October 28, 2014 at 6:57 am

          Love that you did 🙂 ❤

    • January 29, 2015 at 9:29 pm

      lil mama…you still here, grl! you still here…

      *charissa marvels with swelling overflowing heart, and shakes head in wonder*

  2. October 25, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Thank you, Dani, for a beautiful essay that will open our eyes a bit wider to true beauty and our hearts to greater understanding.

    • October 28, 2014 at 6:51 am

      I truly hope so, Stephen.
      I Truly do.

      With heart,

  3. glenn2point0
    October 25, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Great post. I think it is quite often not knowing how to handle the situation that causes us to be shocked or pull away. Sometimes that goes even further and becomes fear.

    It’s the same when I say I have BiPolar. Some take it in their stride and others back away.

    Those that have some understanding are the ones who question me about it as by outing myself I have given them permission to ask questions.

    And I am happy to answer them; open ly and honestly.

    I must say say that in the past I have not always known how to handle the situation when face to face with a transgendered person. And I have known and worked with a few.

    But then my perceptions have changed so much since being on seroquel and now they are just fellow human beings to me.

    And as such I treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve.

    I also engage with them, without trepidation.

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:27 am

      Glenn, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. You touched on something quite important in your reply: fear. It is normal to feel fear; oftentimes, it is fear that keeps us safe from harm, yet it is also that same fear that can cause harm to ourselves and others.

      I believe you can now say that the way to treat a person who is transgender is the same way you would treat anyone else: quite simply, the way in which you wish to be treated.

      All any of us want is to be Seen.
      Now you do.
      And I do, too.

      With thanksgiving,

      P.S. In an effort to be sensitive to terminology, I believe* (from what I’ve read/seen/heard) that a transgender person would prefer that the adjective “transgendered” not be used. “Transgendered” implies that something happened to make one transgender. It’s like saying a black person has been “blackened” instead of simply being born black.

      *While I am no sort of authority on the subject (as I am learning myself), I am passing along what I can in an effort to educate minds, embolden hearts and stretch souls.

      • October 28, 2014 at 7:38 am

        Thank you for that, Dani. It is on the mark. Words, so powerful, are a lot like fear in their ability to help or hurt.

        And thanks again to Glenn… As word misuses that was a mere mosquito bite. 🙂

        • October 28, 2014 at 8:09 am

          Thank you for your confirmation. Aiming to be terminology tender, as always.

      • glenn2point0
        October 29, 2014 at 1:55 am

        Lack of undetstanding does not always mean fear though and projecting fear can complicate the issue. For me it was not fear. I lacked understanding and empathy.

        • October 29, 2014 at 9:01 am

          Glen, you touched on the word “fear”, so I “spoke” to that. My intention was not to say that You were fearful, but that many are.

          Thank you for your clarification.

          With blessings,

          • glenn2point0
            October 29, 2014 at 7:57 pm

            cheers Dani.

  4. Renato
    October 25, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    I love you! Keep riding the wave of life and don’t be afraid to fall – it’s only water….

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:29 am

      Thank you for your support, Chu.
      Truly ❤

  5. October 25, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Thank you for this post, Dani. My eldest daughter identifies as gay, and her struggle for acceptance is real. In the end, we are all equal.

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:32 am

      Yes, we are, Georgette. Thank you for sharing your heart and for being a safe place to fall for your daughter. Your acceptance must be, for her, the greatest of all blessings.

      With heart for your time and comment,

      • October 28, 2014 at 5:55 pm

        The acceptance and support from everyone in our family has made her journey easier. I only wish everyone were so understanding. Thank you again for shedding light on this subject. 🙂

        • October 28, 2014 at 6:01 pm

          I completely agree, Georgette. And the light?? It’s the very least I can do.

          With heart,

  6. Joni
    October 25, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    How does someone so young “Get it?” And you “Get it.”

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:35 am

      I just want everyone to have the same rights and privileges I do, St. Joni. If that’s “get(ting) it”, I certainly wish we all would.

      With heart,

  7. October 25, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    Thank you very much for a fantastic post. I relate and greatly appreciate your empathy and vision.

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:38 am

      Thank you, Robert. I am glad you relate and am thankful for your sentiments.

      In hopes that you share my vision,

  8. Kat
    October 25, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    Dani, this is a great post. I wish everyone was able to SEE others and accept them for who they are. And that video makes such a powerful statement. It just broke my heart!

    Thank you for writing this. There are way too many people who say they are supportive of that T word but when push comes to shove, they won’t even “like” an article out of fear of who might see it and get the wrong idea. (And that always stumps me. What exactly is the wrong idea? That they are supportive of transgender people? Isn’t that the point?)

    I’m so glad that one of my dear friends has a great friend like you!

    • October 26, 2014 at 5:58 am

      Will someone who can please put a like on Kat’s post for me? ❤

      • October 26, 2014 at 7:15 am

        Just did ❤

      • Kat
        October 26, 2014 at 7:55 am

        I’m not sure I can like my own comment but I can like yours! 🙂

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:52 am

      Kat, thank you for taking the time to read. And that video?? You can thank our lovely friend for that. I was so touched when I saw it on her page that I borrowed it for myself.

      I completely agree with you that there is a difference between saying you’re supportive and actually showing you are. There are ways to do so, however, this post being one of mine.

      At the end of the day, I will never know what it’s like to be transgender. I cannot zip myself into her skin or Kris’. But I can be an advocate, and educator and a cheerleader for them and for a community that is rich in personhood and, sadly, poor in being understood by those who reside beyond its heart lines.

      With blessings,

  9. October 26, 2014 at 12:54 am

    Very well-expressed and loving acceptance. Of course there are those who choose not to See. But often, I think we see and accept, but have no idea how to express it; fearing a wrong approach, an unintended offending glance or overly gratuitous words, we stay silent. Not wanting to ignore, but unsure how to interact.

    I have learned – when offering help to disabled or homeless strangers – to preface my offer with something like “please don’t be offended, but I would like to …”. This suggestion came from a wise friend.

    We can help each other cross invisible but restrictive boundaries like fear and uncertainty by braving a little vulnerability to cross divides.

    • October 26, 2014 at 7:27 am

      Thank you Sammy for your sensitive and clear observations…I can tell you what I like? When someone treats me just like they do my friend, and even an encouraging word that acknowledges I am trans (I mean duh…I am over 6 ft tall and 200 lbs and have the hips and waist of a refrigerator, so it is no secret that testosterone ruled my poor body, alas)…so when someone says something about my smile, or my courage, or whatever, that is huge.

      But you’re right: social situations do not always lend themselves to such an interaction, so you can never go wrong with eye contact, even a glance elsewhere (it’s hard not to and obvi when someone is “not looking” lol), and then a smile that says hi…you have worth and I am happy to brush your life with mine in this small moment, and I receive that you live, breathe, walk, think, feel, like to have being in the world.

      And I also affirm your wise friend…anytime there is doubt, a sincere, kind and brief apologetic preface is always acceptable to me, and I think for others I know too.

      I am very hesitant to comment on this post, and had not intended to, but I had to acknowledge the dripping humanity of this and let you know how grateful I am to have read it…a coat in winter instead of a “be warm, be warm” from a passerby.


      • October 26, 2014 at 11:12 am

        Thank you, Charissa, for your kind and informative comments. It is through such exchanges that we become comfortable with ‘stretching’ in public to touch lives far different from our own.

      • October 28, 2014 at 7:57 am

        A lovely reply.
        A warm coat.
        Yes!! ❤

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:56 am

      A beautiful comment, Sammy. Thank you for noting the divide and noting also that it can be crossed with boats of kindness and oars of pure heart.

      Blessings to you,

      • October 28, 2014 at 9:34 am

        Thank you, Dani. I fear as our population explodes, we become less able to see each other as individuals, and that really is the key to a tolerant society.

        Keep writing. You give us so much.

        • October 28, 2014 at 9:39 am

          Agreed, Sammy. Sadly, what often fills our days less often fills our hearts.

          With blessings, friend,

          P.S. Thank you. Truly.

  10. October 26, 2014 at 4:55 am

    Very moving post, Dani, as ever. Thank you.

    • October 28, 2014 at 7:59 am

      Thank you for continuing to read, Catherine. Your comments and encouragement are much appreciated, as you are.

      With heart and blessings,

  11. October 26, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Very insightful post. Not only compassionate and understanding but well-presented and highly articulate.

    • October 28, 2014 at 8:02 am

      Robin, that you for reading and for your lovely comment. I truly hope that people “read” what is heart-embedded here. That is what I wish to convey. That is what is truly important.

      With blessings,

  12. October 26, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Reblogged this on Charissa's Grace Notes and commented:
    Constance…I have no words to express what this means to me…what is being said to me…both in the post and in the comments. I simply will repost this, and let you know something: each of you is a potential ally in someone’s life. I am so very blessed to have the one that I do, and she knows how I feel, who I am, and our welcoming, beckoning road…and thus for me to say anything more is inappropriate, in that the only legit words for me to say are uh-MAZED and broken thank yous…55 years of loneliness is a long time.

    • October 28, 2014 at 8:05 am

      So grateful to be allowed in this space and to know there won’t be a 56th year of loneliness.

      Here to stay.

      With heart,

  13. October 26, 2014 at 11:51 am

    So true and written very well. I have a cousin who had a male to female sex change. She is a wonderful person and always has been. I am disgusted by the amount of friends and family who have walked away from her. It is truly their loss! Ignorance frightens me.

    • October 26, 2014 at 2:09 pm

      Sherry, thank you sooo much for the beautifully supportive and empathetic comment to Dani’s article.

      If I may, just for the sake of readership and accuracy, I wanted to add that a transgender person would speak of the transition biologically a little differently, meaning essentially the same thing you said, but with small yet significant differences.

      It has been called “Sexual Reassignment Surgery”, and “Gender Reassignment Surgery”…but to me, as a transgender woman, that would be an inaccurate name, because I am not changing sex, or changing gender. I have never identified as anything other than a woman.

      So when, God willing, I am able to receive the surgeries I need, I will be getting what is referred to as “Gender Confirmation Surgery”. Subtle, I realize…but significant.

      Dani, if it okay, I am posting a link to a great article by a plastic surgeon who performs these surgeries, and the way he explains it is beautiful.

      Thanks again, Sherry…the world needs more people like you!
      In deep gratitude,

      • October 28, 2014 at 8:15 am

        Thank you for sharing this, Sis. Onward and upward to better understanding.

    • October 28, 2014 at 8:14 am

      Agreed, Sherry. Ignorance is a scary beast, one that must be slain with swords of truth and respect.

      Thank you for opening up about your cousin’s gender confirmation surgery and for reiterating that the wonderful person she is, is the wonderful person she’s always been.

      With heart,

      P.S. Proper pronoun use = the best!! 🙂

  14. October 27, 2014 at 12:24 am

    Dani, if only the world were full of people like you, how much better it would be. It’s true what you say, once you have been the Other, how can you not See? It makes our suffering a little more bearable doesn’t it, to know that it has made us better at coming closer to others who have suffered too? My favorite moment was bonding with a patient who had the courage to come to my hospital being herself, braving the judgment of all those eyes, and laughing over shoes and comparing notes about nail polish. Thank you again for sharing.

    • October 28, 2014 at 8:34 am

      Nguyen, please know that this post is not about me: being good or bad, worthy or not. I have a platform, as all of us do in one way or another. We can use these spaces to make things about us, or we can make better use of them by focusing on others.

      I realize I am quite privileged. That is not to say that I don’t have my own struggles, because I do. But I have never felt my own skin to be alien. I have never felt my bony undercarriage and thought my scaffolding was wrong, that I was inherently wrong. Those issues have not befallen me. They are real to me, but not real For me.

      From learning, stretching and growing into who I am becoming, I’ve realized that there are many who don’t have the privileges I have and that pains me. That woman?? The one you shared a moment with?? She is one of them. She is real. Her life is real. And that you and I know that Is real, as well.

      Please know I am more than happy to share and more than happy to be received, by those who See and by those who are daring to try.

      And thank you…for being one of them.

      With heart,

  15. October 27, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    Wow Dani, Compassion runs deep for you. This is a harder issue (than the Dying with Dignity one) for me for various reasons, but bottom line I believe everyone deserves kindness, respect and choice. Thanks for exploring a very important topic. It takes great courage to be ourselves, especially when that expression goes contrary to main stream views.
    blessings, Brad

    • October 28, 2014 at 8:46 am

      I’m not sure that it runs any deeper for me than it should for any other human being, Brad. We all have the right to be Seen as our true selves. And if I can shed light on that for others, who, for whatever reason, choose not to open their heart’s eyes, I plan on doing so.

      We all have a platform. I plan on using mine to show that Sight is the breath and heartbeat of human relationships and understanding. Thank you for encouraging me to do so.

      With gratitude for reading and commenting,

      • October 28, 2014 at 10:34 am

        Wonderful perspective Dani. Keep on shining your sight of awareness for understanding. 🙂

        • October 28, 2014 at 10:36 am

          Thanks for your confirmation, Brad, as well as your time.

          In appreciation,

  16. October 28, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    This is beautiful! I have a friend that is transgender and I always hate that people don’t treat her the way they should.

    • October 28, 2014 at 5:14 pm

      I’m so glad you liked it and am happy that I have an ally in spreading the word about each person’s humanity. No matter our gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, gender orientation, etc., we all deserve respect, dignity and grace.

      With profound thanks for reading and commenting.

      In heart,

  17. November 3, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Acknowledging our “master status.” That expression, in and of itself, sums the matter well.

    • November 3, 2014 at 7:30 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Eric. Both are much appreciated.

      Blessings to you,

  18. November 4, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    It has been a lifelong struggle for me to make eye contact with people but it’s impossible to SEE someone unless you do. For me, not looking people in the eye was a way to protect myself and not draw attention. It was a form of armor. I’ve had to learn to give and receive eye contact and respect its power. As I’ve gotten better at it, I can see what a difference it makes when we acknowledge a person with our eyes. It’s horrible to feel invisible and your post has such an important message that really seeing someone can make a difference in how they feel about themselves and their place in the world. It’s a form of intimacy that connects us in our humanity. Beautiful post, Dani.

    • November 4, 2014 at 6:07 pm

      What a beautiful comment. I’m so glad that you allow yourself to See and be seen–a gift beyond price and treasure, surely.

      I truly believe, as we anchor into the folds of our personhood, we gift the same to others, both through Sight and heart.

      Anchors away, Karen.
      Anchors. away.

      With blessings, friend,

      • November 5, 2014 at 9:04 am

        I just soo echo that, Dani, and Karen, just humble thank you’s for the true treasure you give when you look, see, and allow to be seen.

        When I was a child, I would cover my eyes and cry out “Don’t see my eyes! Don’t see my eyes!” (or so the story goes, 🙂 )…I deeply related to your words and was touched even deeper

  19. November 5, 2014 at 4:26 am

    An insightful and educational post. I think the bottom line is learning not to judge others which is a tough one to do.

    • November 5, 2014 at 8:31 am

      Thank you for taking the time to stop by, Maria.

      Truly, there is much tucked into and wrapped up in the treasures of our personhood. And, though I fall short everyday, I continually remind myself what it means to be a Seer of hearts and not a looker of skins.

      There IS a difference.

      My friend says we allow others to be invisible “until we intention to see”.

      I intention to See.
      And hope you do, as well.

      With thanksgiving,

  20. Nick Holmberg
    November 7, 2014 at 10:34 pm
    • November 15, 2014 at 8:25 am

      Thanks for this, Nick.

  21. Nick Holmberg
    November 7, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    Great to see you have such a great following here. BTW, are you familiar with “Transparent”? It’s a show on amazon prime streaming that you might find interesting. Granted, there are some awkward moments in the first season (think “Six Feet Under”). Keep up the good work.

    • November 15, 2014 at 8:27 am

      I had heard of it, Nick, but I’ve never checked it out. I’ll be sure to do so.
      Thanks for stopping by and saying hello.

      With blessings,

  22. November 15, 2014 at 8:19 am

    What a beautiful tribute to all the colorful shades of humanity…an amazing, heartfelt work…thank you for this!

  23. November 15, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Kanani. I simply had to write it this.

    It’s time for people to “intention to See”.
    It’s time.

    Truth wins,

  24. January 27, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    This is a lovely post, full of empathy and understanding. As you say, there’s so much more to a person that what meets the eye, and I’ve got nothing but respect and admiration for those who show on the outside that they’re living their truth.

    • January 27, 2015 at 9:15 pm

      Thanks for taking the time to read, Sara. And I feel the same way about those who have the courage to walk out their Truth. It is truly a beautiful thing when we can be ourselves without the shroud of shame. And to extend that to others?? Well, I think it’s one of the greatest of honors.

      With thanksgiving,

  25. January 29, 2015 at 5:51 am

    Be gentle, saying hello. I still often walk down the street shielding out other people except as obstacles- not looking at how they react. It had been in case they react badly. If you take too much notice of me you might frighten me. Will she make a scene? Will she be offensive?

    When someone asks God, “What does feminine mean?” God points at me- yet I introjected that my femininity was weak, sick, perverted, disgusting, ridiculous and illusory.

    I don’t pick people up on terminology much. I am Trans*: the word, to me, includes a wide variety of people including those who identify as Neutrois. I like bigger tents. I am particularly keen on the prefix cis: just as translunar/cislunar, we have transsexual/cissexual. Where a distinction needs to be made, people are cis-sexual rather than “normal” or any other word which excludes me.

    • January 29, 2015 at 9:28 pm

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Clare. I appreciate your perspective and your heart call to “be gentle”. I pray for that. I do.

      With blessings,

  26. January 29, 2015 at 9:34 am

    “I would like to extend his words even further, past Christianity, to our master status: that of human beings.”

    “People are people.”

    STANDING OVATION. I am not saying I was not ever one of those people but I have grown and learned and yes. just YES YES YES YES! THIS!!!

    • January 29, 2015 at 9:36 pm

      Oh, Erin, thank you; I’m touched this resonated with you. Thank goodness we all have the chance to grow and learn. What a blessing when we open our hearts and minds to both.

      With thanksgiving,

  27. June 24, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    This is so beautifully written.

    • June 24, 2015 at 8:43 pm

      Thank you, Sammie.

      With thanksgiving,

  28. Ms. J
    March 18, 2016 at 11:01 am

    Thank you so much for this article, Dani! Your words are touching, sensitive and knowledgeable, traits much needed when writing on this subject.

    Through my own experiences I have learned that people fear the unfamiliar. It’s easier to avoid these people and situations (or demonize us) rather than expand knowledge and embrace change.

    Understanding this allows me to be more confident in who I am and forgive the insensitivity of others. In many cases they are as frightened or intimidated as I.

    In these cases, as with ALL of life, the Golden Rule always applies.

    • December 13, 2020 at 3:30 am

      Thank you for this tender comment, Ms. J. And I couldn’t agree more…people do fear the unfamiliar.
      Also, I am terribly sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I took quite an extensive break from this space after my son’s birth and father’s death and am just now clearing out cobwebs.

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