I lay in bed the other night, hands crossed over my heart and legs pin-straight, and thought of those words:
This is not about me at all, is it? This is all about you.
That’s what you said to me when I told you I wanted to have the procedure done. A procedure that would be risky, as any procedure is, but that might point us to what’s wrong. The answer to why our children are in the clouds and not here with us.
I was angry at you for saying such a cruel thing. So I went to bed in silence and didn’t tell you to sleep with God and dream with me like I always do. I didn’t kiss you or reach for your hand in reconciliation. I simply lay there, emotionally entombed, trying not to breathe too hard or feel too much as I waited for sleep to find you and take you deep into the hush of night.
But here’s what sleep whispered to me: you were right.
Much of the past six years has been about me. When I was pregnant it was all about keeping me healthy, happy and calm. And when I wasn’t, it was about the same. You took the brunt of my suffering and sadness. You held me when I cried and told me we’d be okay when I ran out of tears. You told me that I was more than enough, that the two of us were more than enough. And on Mother’s Day, when nearly everyone forgot to remember, you were there just as you always are.
Our first child would have turned five this year. My instincts told me she was a girl and this is how I’ve seen her in my dreams: a green-eyed chatterbox with my curly hair and your long lashes, running through a field of asters, buttercups and thimbleweeds. She’s always wearing a white eyelet dress with blue ribbon threading its hem. It’s soiled with what looks like chocolate ice cream and her knees are skinned. I hear her calling to you:
Daddy, Daddy, come find me.
Then she ducks behind a Black Maple, certain you can’t see her. You can, of course, and you find her, pick her up and swing her around as you tell her you love her. Then I wake up, still hearing your laughter, yours and our daughter’s.
I thought of this dream last Sunday as I watched you in the quiet moments before releasing your butterfly in the RTS (Renew Through Sharing) Garden.
And I wondered if you whispered I love you before you opened the purple envelope and let her fly away. A symbolic gesture of the sorrow we have felt and an acknowledgement of the tremendous weight of empty arms.
When I opened my own I sent some sadness with it: sadness for thinking my heartache went deeper because it could be seen and sadness for not honoring the differences in our grieving. Because there are differences.
Perhaps you have always been strong because you felt you had to or because that’s just who you are. But I want you to know…
it’s okay to cry,
it’s okay to scream,
and it’s okay to shake your fist at the moon.
And it’s also okay to be silent. I know that now.
If we earned parenthood, if it was somehow based on merit, you would be a father because you deserve a child you can hold and touch and by whom you can be completely enamored. And you deserve to be called daddy in more than just my dreams. So, this Father’s Day, I hope you know how much you’re loved, both here on Earth and beyond where our angels reside. And that it is about us.
Always us.
Always the five of us.
406 thoughts on “A wife’s letter to her childless husband on Father’s Day”
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lancequadras
Superbly written…
Dani
Thank you so much. Your sentiment is truly appreciated.
lancequadras
🙂
Jasmins Creations
What a sad but wonderful message. I’m sure it will help others who suffer.
Dani
I truly hope it does.
Many thanks 🙂
scintillatingone
This is so beautiful and well-written, I admire your love for your husband as a wife
Dani
It’s easy to love when you are so well-loved yourself.
And thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
With gratitude,
Dani
arianarogers
This is something that only God can show you . This right here dose not happen all the time you have to know that God is in your presence and that you will see your baby’s every night because he knows how much you both love them ! God Bless 👏
Dani
I have faith that we will see them one day. And belief in THAT makes all of this worth it.
Blessings.
biancalovefoodlovefashion
Bless u both. Your words have really touched me and I’m not even a parent yet! I cannot imagine what you have both been through x
Dani
Thank you for your kind words, Bianca. They are certainly appreciated.
Heart,
Dani
slfuchs
Dani, I thought I wrote a comment yesterday, but I could not find it, so I must have either forgotten to post it or it got lost. If you did see my earlier note, this one is superfluous.
Whenever I might think I have written something well, I will reread this essay of yours and either give up in despair or be inspired to try harder. I pray that your fondest dreams come true. I feel very free to question God about things I don’t understand. (All of the time I accept that I am not supposed to understand everything, and that is one of the reasons I worship God and do not expect God to worship me.) That said on my list is, Eternal One, when will you grant this worthy woman the gift of a child?
Dani
This brought tears, Rabbi Stephen:
“That said on my list is, Eternal One, when will you grant this worthy woman the gift of a child?”
While I don’t pretend to understand all that has happened and hasn’t, I must believe in pains higher purpose and for the refinement that has taken place in the depths of my heart.
If I am not to be a mother in this life, I will accept it knowing this:
that one day I will be reunited with the three sweet souls that began life within me. And brought a sacred purpose to my own.
Anand Dudheliya
Reblogged this on Always for BEGINNERS.
Dani
Thank you, Anand.
pauseforthought1961
Thank you. I, too, am a childless father. We know the reasons for our situation. Beautifully written piece.
Dani
Thank you for this. And many blessings to you and those you love.
With grace,
Dani
shunpwrites
Simply amazing, powerfully written!
Dani
Thank you so very much.
With grace,
Dani
gigimalvira
…your letter broke my heart. It’s so beautiful.
Dani
Thank you, sweetie. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Heart,
Dani
lucasfothergill
I love how many amazing responses this piece has brought out. Great stuff.
Dani
Thank you, Lucas. I truly appreciate it 🙂
Jeff Harbeson
Beautiful…well written from your heart.
Dani
Thank you for reading, Jeff.
Really.
Thank you.
amcory
Thank you for this. While I have two grown sons from a previous marriage, my husband has no children of his own aside of the daughter we lost to a miscarriage nearly four years ago. What you wrote about “earning” parenthood moved me to tears, as I know my husband would have earned a million “World’s Best Dad” coffee mugs by now. I recently wrote of my own loss, so if you’re interested, you can read it at http://amycoryblog.wordpress.com/2014/03/13/katie-hope/
Dani
I read it, Amy, and it broke my heart. I’m so sorry you understand this pain. But I hope…having had them, for even the briefest of moments, made us both better. Better for having loved.
Blessings,
Dani
fifitrixibell
I am in tears.. This touched me so much.. Sending so much love and positivity your way, what an inspiration x
glowgirlsblogs
Reblogged this on glowgirlsblogs's Blog.
Dani
Thank you for this 🙂
glowgirlsblogs
Yvw 🙂
yulianakudalina
Reblogged this on Where Dreams Come True….
Dani
Thank you for the reblog, Yuli. It was quite sweet of you.
Blessings,
Dani
Alexis McM
Wow Dani! Your words are as powerful as always. What a great tribute to a man who obviously has supported you through more than any person or couple should endure. I have faith you will get there!
Dani
Oh, Alexis, it’s so sweet of you to say so. How are you, dolly??
Heart,
Dani
Sam
Gosh! This is just so incredibly beautiful and heart wrenching. I’m laying here in bed with tears streaming down my face as I write this. I’m young and children aren’t even a glimmer of a thought yet, but your words were so perfectly crafted that I feel like I understand a little something about parenthood that I didn’t before. Thank you. Your family is in my prayers.
Dani
I thank you for your prayers, Sam. And I’m grateful that the door to parenthood is ajar and that you might understand things, at the heart level, once you’re ready to peer in.
Many blessings to you,
Dani
Jeffrey W Jeff Jones, A Business Problem Solver
Reblogged this on Jeff Jones, A Business Problem Solver and commented:
What a powerful but sensitive letter to write to her husband.
Dani
Thank you very much for your kind words, Jeffrey, and for the reblog.
With grace,
Dani
YOGiNi
It was beautiful! Thanks for sharing 🙂
-Yogini
Dani
No, thank you for reading.
Many blessings to you,
Dani
chrisga62014
Dani. Thank you for that. We have three kids but just (I can’t say miscarried or lost it sounds like we weren’t being careful or we were negligent) we were pregnant with our fourth and now our little one, Innocent, after (st. Innocent of Alaska) has gone ahead of us. We buried him at a monastery about an hour away from us. I’m crying again. Although I do get to experience the joy (and frustration) of earthly fatherhood the feeling of bright sadness that I felt has been marking all my days. I ask for his help and his prayers. I take more seriously the working out of my salvation and I stand in hope and faith that he knows me and that our hearts are reaching out to one another across the thin veil of death. Thank you for words that help me swallow the bitter pill of loss-because you speak of love and understanding and forgiveness and all those things help us get through. Thanks. Blessings to you and your dear husband. May your three dance with the blessed saints and lift you up by their prayers.
Dani
Thank you for such a heartfelt comment. I am sorry that you have been touched by this pain and pray that time, faith and love will heal the jagged edges of your heart.
With thanksgiving,
Dani
Brittany Boyce
Thank you for sharing this–I said prayers for your family through my tears.
Dani
They and you are appreciated, Brittany.
Heart,
Dani
judoo1
so beautiful written.it is amazing words
Dani
Thank you for stopping by, reading and commenting 🙂
Raphsodi
This is so beautiful and hits very close to home. My fiance and I have lost two children and we are no closer to an answer on why than before. I have had multiple miscarriages, by multiple our last miscarriage made it 13. We have two wonderful children, none of them are biologically his children and all he wants is a child the holds his bloodline. Things are beginning to look grim on our end but we haven’t lost hope. I feel your pain… This was so beautifully written. Thank you.
Dani
You are a better women than I. I could barely scrape myself through 3 and have sweet sisters in pain that lost their hearts after 1. So, 13?? It warrants sainthood in my book.
I will pray for you, Raphsodi, and your collective dream of parenthood. I know how much it hurts. I know.
All my many blessings to you,
Dani
blessmyjourney
This is beautifully written, I’m touch
Dani
Thank you for saying so.
❤ Dani
Heather Mirassou
Thank you for sharing your journey…
Dani
I’m happy to, Heather. Thank you for reading ❤
Many blessings,
Dani
thewritegirl305
amazingly written!
Dani
It’s kind of you to say so.
Thank you.
Heart,
Dani
New Things!
This is such an amazing piece of writting xxx
Dani
Thank you so much, Rebecca.
Blessings to you ❤
giselle de luca zanatta
Dani, teus sentimentos e tuas palavras são tao profundas e emocionantes, e tao bem descritos, que quando li parecia que te via falar, com teu coração, fico muito feliz e agradecida a Deus , por fazeres parte da vida de meu amado irmão, que Deus sempre os abençoe com tudo o que ele julgar que seja o melhor para vocês,
amo muito vocês dois!!!
Dani
Lele,obrigada por ter lido e deixado um comentario tao lindo como este. Fico feliz em ter-la como irma.
Que Deus te abencoe hoje e sempre…
❤ Te amo
Dani
dorothy
Beautiful :’)
Dani
Thank you so much, Dorothy ❤
bhavyashreedesai
beautiful.. The way you have written..is just awesome 🙂
Dani
That is so sweet of you to say, Bhavya.
So sweet.
Thank you for visiting,
Dani
kristineromfilms
Reblogged this on kristineromfilms.
Dani
Thank you for the reblog 🙂
kristineromfilms
you’re welcome. i like to read this.
novelnic
Reblogged this on novelnic and commented:
This is just beautiful…and way too close to my heart 😦 x
Dani
Thank you for your kind words, Nicola. And blessings to the sacred corners of your heart.
With thanksgiving,
Dani
justalittlebitblog
Your words made me cry and made me remember. Thank you.
Dani
Oh, Stacie. I pray you don’t know the depths of this pain. But if you do, I pray for blessings upon your heart for your lost one/s. And I thank you.
I truly thank you.
Heart,
Dani
bbandjtoday
amazing story!!
Dani
Thank you for saying so. Hope the summer passes quickly for you, so you can have your love back.
Blessings,
Dani
bbandjtoday
thank you 🙂
gp6961
Reblogged this on gp6961's Blog.
Dani
Thank you for this.
Blessings,
Dani
nusaybahhh
Beautiful and sincere.
Dani
Thank you so much for reading. I truly appreciate it 🙂
nusaybahhh
Reblogged this on nusaybahhh and commented:
Beautiful piece
Dani
And thank you for the reblog, as well.
nusaybahhh
You’re most welcome 🙂
amjvijay
Beautifully written. I could listen to you all day .It touched my heart . 🙂
Dani
Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m glad you were touched. THAT I could listen to all day.
Blessings,
Dani
James Ward
I just stumbled on this and it is amazing! I have been in his shoes. I remember holding back my emotions to keep my wife as comfortable as possible. He is not alone, and there are real men out there that are a woman’s rock to lean on. I remember walking by myself and having my personal meltdown and no one to turn to, I would wake up in the middle of the night in tears, I would hold my wife and cry with her.
meeinal
Great to see true love and compatibility between you both:) stay blessed!
Dani
That was the sweetest comment, Meeinal. And I do feel quite blessed.
Heart,
Dani
preciousdoinglifebig
Its beautiful! There’s always a lesson in every challenge like this for parents. thank you for sharing!
Dani
Yes, there sure is. Thank you for reading.
Blessings,
Dani
alexxaomololu
Nice words….it touches my heart. I lost a beautiful baby…it strain my relationship with my fiance and we broke up…..it hurts me…
Dani
I’m so sorry you lost your baby…and your fiance.
My thoughts are with you.
Heart,
Dani
sammiestwins
Beautiful god bless you and family xxxx
Dani
Thank you so much ❤
May He bless yours, as well.
LexiRambles
That was really touching!! I am always amazed how simple words, just like yours can touch someone so deeply and change lives! I just found this blog, but I will definitely come back for more! 🙂
Dani
Thank you for such a sweet comment, Lexi. I do hope you’ll stay tuned for more.
Heart,
Dani
Emilio Pasquale
Wow. I can see one more comment can not make much of a difference but I wanted to share with you. My parents went through the same thing some 32 years ago and it split them apart. They both still cry over the loss even though soon afterward I came along. My father has a memorial garden in his back yard. I make sure to wish him a happy father’s day every year!
Dani
I assure you, every comment does, Emilio.
I was so saddened to hear about your parents. I have known couples who have split because of losses or not being able to conceive. It is terribly tragic to hear and witness.
Thankfully, my husband and I have been strengthened through this. We have learned to lean on each other more and to make sure we give each other grace and time, even when we don’t have it to give.
Honestly, he has been much more understanding and loving than I. Much more. But I am trying to do my best to right the wrongs I’ve done. And since he is a gracious man, I know it won’t be too little too late.
Blessings to you and your parents,
Dani
schmidtbarbara
this is beautiful in so many ways. The love between husband and wife, the love between parents and children, even when they are beyond the stars (that’s how we call it here in Germany). I hope you will be blessed soon with the gift of a child.. as your post is a blessing for others in the same situation like you.
Dani
Barbara, thank you for such a lovely comment. I also hope we will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and child, but if not, there are three little souls waiting for us…beyond the stars. And there is comfort in that.
Heart,
Dani
mamak10
This brings tears to my eyes it is so beautifully written and written not only for your husband but for other loss dads, too, I’m sure.
Dani
Thank you so much. And you are right, I wrote it to honor my husband, as well as the other would-be-fathers whose sacrifice and heartache are all too often forgotten.
Blessings,
Dani
hayat7maskeen
That touched me! Thnx for sharing genuine feelings with the world
Dani
I’m happy to do so, Hayat.
Blessings to you, sweetie,
Dani
davkengfun2014
Reblogged this on davkengfun's Blog.
mrsorenson
delicate writing on an indelicate topic
Dani
Thank you for saying so, Matt.
Blessings.
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