Aside

Image  courtesy of Izabela Zagaja-Florek via Flickr Creative Commons

Image courtesy of Izabela Zagaja-Florek via Flickr Creative Commons

Last Sunday I visited my old church meetinghouse. It’s the building I first walked into with my high school boyfriend. The building I was later baptized in. And the building where I still find much solace and peace.  After Sacrament Meeting came to a close, I stood, stretched and saw a familiar face a few pews ahead. It was somewhat different, of course. Tears of happiness and pain do that. Years do that too.

As I made my way forward, I wondered if I was so different than I was then. If he’d want to see me. Or if he’d rather leave the past there. In the past. But I wanted to see him. I had wanted to see him for some time.

When we were younger, my heart spoke loudly, but my mouth never echoed its song out loud. Hurt and pain stayed because I allowed them to. Deception stayed too. And despite forgiving him long ago, I had wanted to see him. To see if I had truly forgiven. To see if I had healed my wounds with the salve of my own heart. And my own truth.

After niceties were exchanged, we sat for a while. He told me about his families: the one he’d been born into and the one he’d created. And he asked about mine. We talked at length about high school. How he’d been lost, which I had known, and how he was sorry for the way he treated me, which I hadn’t. And I felt like I should say something then. Perhaps that I was sorry too. But he continued on. So I didn’t.

 
When he smiled, I couldn’t help but remember how I’d felt all those years ago. How first love strikes when you least expect. How it feels like netting stars and swallowing the sun. And how you are convinced. So convinced. It will never end.

But it nearly always does.

Image courtesy of quotes-lover.com

Image courtesy of quotes-lover.com

My first love ended. And when it did I was inconsolable. I didn’t understand how we shared so much and then shared nothing. How I was no longer the other half of the WE we had been. How it was just me. Alone.

Eventually, I understood the need to close that door. And the need to walk forward and open another. Then another. Eventually, I understood that odds are good we could have never made each other happy. And more importantly: that just because you share the past with someone, doesn’t mean you’ll share the future with them.

And that it’s okay not to.  It really is.

Image courtesy of quotes-lover.com

Image courtesy of quotes-lover.com

There’s a reason it’s called first love. Because there’s supposed to be a second and a third until you learn what love really is. And what it isn’t.

Love is giving your last cherry Jolly Rancher and taking the burnt piece of toast.
Love is putting the lid down.
Love is picking up dog poop. Even though you don’t own a dog, but do own a lawn.
Love is sharing the fluffy pillow.
Love is watching hockey instead of Criminal Minds. Only to realize hockey is better.
Love is reaching for your hand when drifting off to sleep.
Love is taking the trash out before dawn.
Love is making sure you put toothpaste on both brushes.  And always kissing goodnight.

Love is all the little things…
that make up a life.

So now, when I think about my first love, I’ll think about this one thing:

I’m happy he broke my heart.

Because it led me to The One who would rather break his own than break mine.

And that is what real love is all about.

  One thought on “First Love: What it Feels Like to Swallow the Sun

  1. June 1, 2014 at 11:59 pm

    💛💙💜💚❤️💗

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      Thanks for stopping by, Alicia. I truly appreciate it 🙂

  2. June 2, 2014 at 12:56 am

    Dani, what true and freeing words:
    “I’m happy he broke my heart.
    Because it led me to The One who would rather break his own than break mine.
    And that is what real love is all about.”

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      They really are.
      Much love to you, Jane.

  3. StephanieJane
    June 2, 2014 at 2:36 am

    Beautifully said! I especially love the ending – “I’m happy he broke my heart. Because it led me to The One who would rather break his own than break mine…” A perfect way to put it. I’ve always thought that first love is so dangerous because you have nothing for comparison. You tend to overlook things you shouldn’t in order to hang on to the good parts. Unfortunately, I married mine because I didn’t know that what I had might have been good (sometimes), but it could have been better and it certainly wasn’t best. That marriage ended after five years, and now that first love IS my “something for comparison”. Sometimes the best part about the past is how it makes the present look so darn good. I’m married again, this time to someone who really is best for me. And, because of all the hard parts about back then, I know how good I have it now. So glad you found the silver lining too! ❤

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:16 pm

      Thank you for this, StephanieJane.
      I agree completely ❤

  4. June 2, 2014 at 5:46 am

    Nice one!

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:16 pm

      Thank you.

  5. theshaktiwithin
    June 2, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    Crying!!! This is so beautiful and so perfect!
    Namaste! -Sarah

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:17 pm

      Sarah, you’re the sweetest.
      Thank you!

  6. June 2, 2014 at 4:20 pm

    Beautiful.

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:18 pm

      Thank you for saying so, Cindy ❤

  7. June 2, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    Very beautifully expressed… a tear on the last line, with a heartfelt smile!All the best to you and your hubby!Dawn

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:18 pm

      Thank you for continuing to read, Dawn.
      I appreciate it more than you know.

      Miss you, friend…

  8. Danielle de Luca
    June 2, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    Dani, I’m sure this is the right way for you. I like very much !!

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:19 pm

      Thank you, Dani.
      All my love.

  9. liamiman
    June 2, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    The ending was absolutely beautiful – and absolutely true.

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:21 pm

      Thank you, Nadine.
      All my gratitude for saying so…

  10. bsanf0rd
    June 2, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    Whew~ I can’t wait to hear more on all levels….

    • June 2, 2014 at 10:19 pm

      And I can’t wait to share ❤

  11. June 2, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    This is beautiful. I just love your writing. Such emotion …Such a fan… ❤

    • June 3, 2014 at 3:05 am

      Thank you, Lynda. I feel the exact same way about yours.

  12. myhopejar
    June 3, 2014 at 4:10 am

    This was just beautiful, and so true!

    • June 4, 2014 at 1:12 am

      Thanks, Jo ❤

  13. June 3, 2014 at 10:55 am

    So beautiful, true, and poignant as to render me speechless! (and that NEVER happens). I read it the day you posted…it has taken me this long t even find the words to comment. Just thanks, sis, just thanks

    • June 4, 2014 at 1:19 am

      I’m so glad that it spoke to you, love ❤

      P.S. Speechless?? That's big!! 🙂

      • June 4, 2014 at 11:39 am

        LOLOLOL!!! Right?????!!!! Moi?? SPEECHLESS???? As my daddy used to say I was vaccinated with a phonograph needle it is a true miracle your writing performed! lololol! ❤

  14. June 3, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    A wonderful piece of writing. Thanks for this post.

    • Linda Kirschner
      June 3, 2014 at 6:37 pm

      Hey there, Dani 🙂 I learned something new today… that you prefer to be called Dani — I love it, so I will call you that from now on. I feel so honored to be able to read your blogs. You are such an amazing writer. Everything so beautifully said from your heart and soul. This is truly a spiritual gift that God has given you. He gives us all we need and sometimes a lot more! I just try to embrace life and whatever comes my way, deal with it; sometimes easier said than done. I am so close to your Mom as you know and you have her heart. Each and every blog touches me in a unique way. You bring me laughter, you bring me tears and I thank God for bringing YOU into my life. Keep up the wonderful writing from your Sacred Space, which is absolutely perfect indeed! xo

      • June 4, 2014 at 4:18 am

        Linda, I’m so glad that you enjoy reading my posts and appreciate your kind words. This blog has brought me so much joy and peace. And to know that it has also brought a bit of the same to others is something I never expected and for which I am eternally grateful.

        Thank you for sharing this journey with me. And thank God…for you ❤

        P.S. I do prefer being called Dani. It suits me. At least I think so 🙂

    • June 4, 2014 at 1:21 am

      Thank you for reading, Robin. And for the use of “wonderful” to describe something I’ve written 🙂

  15. Bruna
    June 6, 2014 at 2:14 am

    Adorei!!! Me apaixonei pelas 4 últimas frases..
    😉

    • June 18, 2014 at 2:24 am

      Thanks, Bru.

      ❤ you.

  16. June 17, 2014 at 2:23 am

    Totally relate! Thank you for sharing.

    • June 18, 2014 at 2:25 am

      No, thank you for reading, Susan ❤

  17. June 20, 2014 at 6:18 am

    You can only connect dots looking back, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. When I reflect on my past and what I have been through, failures, heartaches, disappointments… They brought me today and I am wiser, stronger and more faithful spiritually. I really like how you put your feelings in words! God bless you!

    • June 22, 2014 at 12:20 am

      I completely agree with you. I’ve always said that pain teaches and it truly does.

      Thank you for your time.
      And God bless you as well!

      Heart,
      Dani

  18. July 6, 2014 at 12:39 am

    So beautifully written and said! So true that we end up where we are meant to be, and there are a few heart breaks along the way.

    • July 12, 2014 at 8:34 pm

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Anonymous. It is much appreciated, as are you.

      Blessings,
      Dani

  19. July 9, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    I don’t know how I missed this one when you first wrote it. How beautiful. The last line sums it up in such a genuine way. I know I have kissed many frogs, have had my heart broken, which all led me to where I am now…..with the love of my life, who would do anything to keep me feeling loved unconditionally, safe, and love my children as well. You are a true inspiration. xo

    • July 12, 2014 at 8:35 pm

      Sherry, thank you for such a beautiful comment. And I’m so glad that you’ve found your love (frogs and all)!!

      Heart,
      Dani

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