To the three little souls who would’ve heard my heartbeat from the inside

flowering hearts

I’m sorry I haven’t written.

The holidays are hard.

Hard because you’re not here.

And hard because a part of me isn’t either.

The first notable snowfall came this week and I thought of you.  I imagined playing with you in the sugary mantle, watching your cheeks turn that shade of pink that the winter wind and cold bring.  I imagined your mittened hands reaching for mine, inviting me to make snow angels as the sun warmed our faces and your giggles warmed the places of my heart long cold.

I imagined twinkling lights, a perfect pine and a house that smelled of cinnamon and hot chocolate. I imagined Bing Crosby crooning and sitting together on the floor, your tiny fingers trying to keep the ribbon taut as I tied bow after bow on elegantly wrapped packages.

I imagined teaching you how to make the famous two-tone fudge.  How you would pour the chocolate chips into the big metal bowl.  How I’d mix and mix and mix until my arms hurt.  And how you’d stand on tippy-toe anxiously awaiting your chance to lick the beaters (just as I did with Grandma).

I imagined you had my pretty hair and your Daddy’s pretty heart.

And I imagined you holding my hand to your cheek (as your cousin does) and sighing deeply knowing you were safe.

And loved.

And cherished.

I imagined you knew how much you were wanted.

How much we cried when we found out you were coming.

And how much we cried when we found out you weren’t.

I imagined that you forgave me for anything I might have unknowingly done that made you go away.

And that you forgave me for wanting to go away too.

And I think…

I imagined that I didn’t imagine you.

That you had never gone away.

That I hadn’t needed to be so brave.

That I hadn’t needed to send all my love upward instead of giving it to you. Here.

That I hadn’t needed to hope that Leslie’s mom had walked the halls of Heaven, found you and held you (like she told me she knew she would).  And that you had made friends with Jaclyn, Alan and the twins, who were also taken too soon, and whose parents Mommy knows and loves.

That I hadn’t needed to imagine what you’d smell like and feel like cradled in my arms.

That I hadn’t needed to imagine our home sprinkled with baby dust, peppered with dirty diapers and fussing, and blanketed with the sweetness of exhaustion.

That I hadn’t needed to imagine everything because your departure left me with nothing.

That. I. hadn’t. needed…

to. imagine. at. all.

I’ll write more soon, precious ones.

Until then and with all my heart,

Mommy

P.S.  Don’t worry…we’ll save the fudge making for Heaven.

three clouds

  One thought on “To the three little souls who would’ve heard my heartbeat from the inside

  1. Leslie Foster
    December 13, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    Hi Friend,

    Did you know that you posted this on the 9th anniversary of my mom’s death? It’s today. I know your post wasn’t about me, but still. Do you mind if I post this for other friends of mine who’ve miscarried?

    Love and shared sorrow,

    Leslie

    • December 13, 2013 at 6:00 pm

      Crying. right. now.

      I’d be honored if your would, love.

      And I hope that they are holding each other.

      Really. tight.

      As we would hold them…if we could.

      Much love to you, Leslie.

  2. December 13, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Everything that I’ve wanted to say but couldn’t find the words. Thank you.

    • December 13, 2013 at 6:46 pm

      You are so welcome, Nicole. And I’m so sorry for your loss.

      Thank you for taking the time to visit.

      Hugs.

  3. December 13, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I was deeply touched. I pray that you are feeling some comfort during this time as I know that the holidays can be very difficult. Bless you.

    • December 13, 2013 at 8:28 pm

      I am.

      Comments from lovely souls like yours bring me much peace and comfort.

  4. December 13, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    so sweet. It makes me want to write a love letter to my lil duckling in heaven. Thank you for sharing.

    • December 14, 2013 at 12:31 am

      You should. I’d love to read it.

      Blessings to you and baby bird.

  5. December 13, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    There is nothing you did, unknowingly or knowingly, which made your tiny love go away. Sometimes, it just happens. And from wherever they are watching, they couldn’t feel more loved than by you. Be strong.

    • December 14, 2013 at 12:32 am

      Thank you for such a beautiful comment.

      I hope they do.

  6. December 13, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    Sending you my love and prayers and tender mercies from God…sometime I will write privately and tell you of my experiences in utero. Bless you, Friend.

    • December 14, 2013 at 12:34 am

      I look forward to it.

      Thank you for the tender mercies, sweetie.

      What a gift!

      • September 4, 2014 at 4:22 am

        so glad that word…friend…grew skin

  7. December 14, 2013 at 12:55 am

    And I’m in tears. Feeling many of the same feelings. Hugs.

    • December 14, 2013 at 1:26 am

      I was too when I was writing it.

      Peace to you, friend.

  8. December 14, 2013 at 4:22 am

    Well written post expressing your tragic loss! I’m so sorry and pray for comfort and peace for you. Blessings, Natalie

    • December 14, 2013 at 4:08 pm

      Thank you for your prayers, Natalie. They are much appreciated as you are.

  9. December 14, 2013 at 11:24 am

    That was so beautifully written, although I wish you didn’t need to write it at all. Loving thoughts to you and yours.

    • December 14, 2013 at 4:10 pm

      Thank you.

      Many blessings to you and yours.

  10. December 14, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    Really, really beautiful. We all feel so many of those things…we wonder, we guess, we agonize. You are very brave for ‘going there’ emotionally…sometimes I skip that part. But thanks for sharing ‘ my’ heart. Absolutely lovely.

    • December 14, 2013 at 4:11 pm

      Thank you, Kate. I’m glad I was able to share your heart…you so often share mine.

      Much love.

  11. Not Your Typical Single Gal
    December 14, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    This was so moving. Thank you for sharing it!

    • December 14, 2013 at 6:52 pm

      Thank you so much for reading.

      Blessings.

  12. myhopejar
    December 14, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    Oh hon! I’m writing this through a waterfall of tears right now. That was so beautiful, and so perfectly said. You reached inside my mind and heart and said all the things hiding in there that I too am feeling and thinking, but too afraid to say out loud. I wish neither of us ever had to feel this way. Sending you love and strength during the Holidays and always. May the magic of the season bring new hope and may 2014 be a better year for all of us!

    • December 14, 2013 at 9:23 pm

      The sweetest comment!!

      Thank you so much for the love and strength sent. They will be put to good use, I’m sure.

      May your heart be blessed this year and the one to come.

  13. January 5, 2014 at 4:01 am

    Sad, certainly, but also beautiful. What love for three souls expressed here. They’re up above, and how they’re loved.

    • January 6, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      Thank you for taking the time, Eli.

      And my heartfelt sympathies for your little one, as well.

      • January 6, 2014 at 5:48 pm

        Your post inspired me to write about my dream. I know it’s not the same … but it felt good to tell my story. Thanks for the inspiration to do so.

    • May 1, 2014 at 6:08 am

      I’m happy you did, Eli.

      Very. happy.

  14. serialphotographer
    January 6, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Such a heart wrenching tale my thoughts are with you.

    • May 1, 2014 at 6:08 am

      I thank you for them.

      Sincerely.

  15. March 22, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    I’m too like so many others experienced heartbreak of miscarriage. I wrote about in my own blog. As I was going through your blog today and seeing so many consistencies with mine, I got lost in it. I look forward to following you!

    • May 1, 2014 at 6:10 am

      Thank you for your kind comment. I’m sorry I’m just now responding. I was quite ill when you commented and just realized I never replied.

      My apologies for that. And for your loss(es).

      Blessings.

  16. bassettfitness
    March 24, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Beautiful!

    • May 1, 2014 at 6:11 am

      Thank you so much for reading.

      Blessings to you and yours.

  17. April 7, 2014 at 5:16 am

    A touching, beautiful tribute to the souls. There is no rule book about this. I hope you find peace and solace.

    • May 1, 2014 at 6:11 am

      I am.

      Slowly.

      I am.

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